smiling at the past

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships.  Not so much the lovey-dovey boy-and-girl relationships, but general relationships….in the basic definition of the word.  I’ve had similar conversations with multiple people regarding relationships…regrets over relationships no longer being what they once were, disappointment thinking they are the only one initiating and making attempts to reach out and care, and not having those sentiments reciprocated.

I’ve had my share of broken friendships, faded relationships, friends that have grown apart.  There were so many people who meant so much to me, that by some reason or another, whether a selfish mistake on my part, or unavoidable circumstances, or simply neglect, we drifted apart.

I used to get really sad when I thought about these relationships.  Regretting the mistakes I’ve made, wishing things had ended up differently.  Seriously, I am not just talking about boys.  I think most of my regrets over broken friendships are with girls.  But anyways.  There are people who I once called best friends.  People I used to spill my soul to, and who would spill theirs to me as well.  People I once trusted with so much.  People who once trusted me with so much.  And I would be so filled with regret and guilt knowing that it was my fault that some of these trusts had broken.  Sometimes there is no “falling out.”  Sometimes people just drift apart.  Sometimes you just lose touch.  So many people have come into my life, and so many have left.

I guess the reason for all this thinking is because I recently talked with someone I haven’t spoken with in some time.  That one person who knew just about everything there is to know about you, who knew all your flaws, your sins, your deepest secrets and regrets…and despite all they knew about you, still loved you fiercely and cared for you deeply.  I remember how sad I was when I started realizing the drift.  It wasn’t due to any fight, there wasn’t a broken friendship.  It was just…circumstances.  We were at different points in our lives, heading in different directions.  But for me, I felt like this treasured relationship of mine was just slipping through my fingers like sand.  I remember grasping.  Grasping at wisps and whispers.  Trying to maintain.  Trying to salvage.  Reconstruct.  Feeling sad that after some point, we didn’t talk the way we used to.  Or as often.  The responses were different.  This was the one relationship I felt saddest about when I thought about it, how wonderful it used to be, and what it isn’t now.  I would remember all the good memories, sweet moments from the past….and find myself in great sorrow, because I found myself just…wishing.  Wishing that things could have somehow been different.  Better.  Wishing that I still had this person in my life as closely as I did before, in the past.

But now I see things differently.  I’m no longer sad or regretful over lost and broken relationships.  I’ve come to accept that people come and go.  That people enter your life for a reason, and that they also leave your life for a reason.  I’ve come to a point where I will think back and reminisce over those same sweet memories, and instead of making me sad, those thoughts will bring a smile to my face.  I’m thankful for every single relationship in my life.  I know that no matter where I am with these people at this point, whether we’re still friends, whether we don’t talk very often, whether we’re no longer in contact or on speaking terms (it’s mostly boys that fall under this category…haha!), or whether I can still depend on them to be there when I need them even if we don’t talk as much (as with the relationship mentioned above), I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for them.  I tried to make that last line as non-cheesy as possible, but I think I failed.

My point is, I’m learning the importance of letting things go.  Of letting people go.  To just be thankful that they were in your life, however short that time might have been.  To just cherish the time you had with them, to be grateful for whatever they gave you or taught you while they were with you.  Be glad, be thankful.  And then let them go.

If you’re someone who tends to be on the emo side (like me), it’s really difficult to let anything go.  You live in the past and are filled with regret and sadness.  But I’m finding it really liberating to let go of the past.

Proverbs 31 describes the traits of the woman we should strive to be.  One of these traits is to be someone who “smiles at the future.”  No arguments there.  But I think it’s equally wise and equally important to be a woman (or man) who also smiles at the past.

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